My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
