I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I have fence marks all over my body
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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