I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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