the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
