I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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