I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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