if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
