im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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