im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
