I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
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