Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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