Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He felt like a one man threesome
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
