he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
