I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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