I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
