I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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