The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
