opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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