I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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