I'm pants shitting drunk right now
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
