just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
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