I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
