I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
