I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
