Who wears a wallet chain?!
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
