I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Randomize
