Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
