I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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