Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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