I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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