Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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