Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
