So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
