we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
