i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
