He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
