A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
