Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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