He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Randomize
