Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
