i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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