I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
