Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
