I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
just tell him i said nine months
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
