I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
