We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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