I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
