physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Randomize
