he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
