I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
