3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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